So. I haven't updated my website substantially in a loooong time...
So, here it is my 5th entry. Not much has been going on recently tbh but I guess that's fine. I'm annoyed with myself that I haven't really updated this wesbite in months apart from like updating this and my sotw, but I for sure want to change that up very soon. I don't really know what I'll do but soon I will for sure add more art, metal albums, and update my vinyl collection within the next couple days. Apart from that I'm planning on making an actual like splash/intro page for the wesbite before the homepage, as well as updating the homepage to look a bit less simple. I'm also gonna make a new shrine or two soon, I have quite a few ideas but it's just that I want them all to be completely unique and that takes a while to plan out and figure out and stuff.

College has been going okay recently, honestly I'm just waiting for this semester to be over cause I have a huge winter break. My birthday's in like 3 days, that's kinda crazy to think about that I'll be 18, like an actual adult. Pretty weird. I don't really know if I'll feel that different cause like idk it's weird to think that soon I won't be considered a child anymore. I've been a kid all my life y'know, and I know that like just cause I'm young now won't mean I won't be the second I become an adult but I guess it really just cements the fact that time is moving forward and that one day soon (by soon I mean in the next 5 years) I'll have to like depend on myself and stuff, it's weird. Dude I don't even know how to drive yet, I just haven't learned yet, mostly cause I can be really lazy if I don't have a deadline.

My finals are all the week after Thanksgiving which I'm fine with, just means I can get them all out of the way early. My grades are all good, the lowest grade I have is an 87 so I'm doing pretty well for my first semester of college! Next semester I'll have even easier classes which is sweet, no government or english dude awesome.

My social life is stagnant. Like, dead at the bottom of the sea with big metal boots on. The friend I came here with and I hang out every single day without fail unless one of us just isn't on campus, and our other two friends never want to hang out and if they do, they stick around for like 30 minutes and dip. One of them is my roommate and uh wow dude, oh my god am I getting tired of living with him. He just has habits and a lifestyle that I find annoying I guess. He never leaves the room, never goes to class, and like just doesn't care that he's pissing his mom's money away by doing this. I have updated this entry since before it was complaining about a lot of the stuff he does but honestly that's all extra shit. The thing that really pisses me off is that he's wasting his mom's money (she's single and has like 5 kids), and just doesn't care about it in like a 'cool, nonchalant, chill guy' way. I've felt sorry for him before because for sure there are certain conditions in his life that make it more understandable why he'd be like this, but then when I walk into the room and he's sitting there watching DBZ and giggling, it just shows that he really just does not care at all about what he's doing.

Also he keeps saying its fine because FAFSA is giving him a shit ton of money, but they take away even needs based funds if your GPA is lower than a 2 and his GPA is like a 0, so... idk maybe he's gonna realize the consequences of squandering an opportunity like college pretty soon.

College has begun! It is uh, okay! Also btw I talk about some heavyish thoughts I'm having so if you don't want someone to rain on your parade then do not continue!!
Hey, I'm writing in this again, it feels sorta cheesy but it feels nice to write stuff down. Like I have a lot of thoughts very often, and theres so many that they just kinda go in and go out y'know? So tomorrow starts like week 5 of college and my thoughts have been getting preeetty turbulent to be honest. When I first got here, I felt weirdly ok. Class started and I strangely felt without anxiety, when I eat dinner by myself I feel sorta sad but mostly fine. I have a few friends and talk to some people in my classes, and I'm ok with not having a million pals just out right. I've been hanging out with my friends pretty consistently and that has helped me feel connected to other people which is a very nice feeling. Recently though I've begun to not be okay all the time, which means sometimes I feel real good, sometimes I feel real bad. It finally hit and I miss my family a lot, I miss having my own room, I miss not having to feel like a normal person all the time and just let myself feel my own normal. I have pretty bad generalized anxiety so I just never feel comfortable. I never feel secure, I never feel fully complacent (unless I'm in my room by myself). If another person is in the same room as me I feel like I have to be normal to them.

I thought about this a lot when I was coming back from a class the other day. I don't think people like me when I don't know them very well, I come off as quiet, like I just kinda want to stop talking to whoever's talking to me. On top of that I don't see myself as someone interesting enough that people want to talk to, so that rarely happens in the first place. When I am with strangers and acquaintances I am quiet, I don't make jokes, I don't lead the conversation, I try my best but the whole time I'm not thinking like I think a normal person would. I don't feel relaxed or at least like what I'm saying just comes out of me. I feel like I need to talk now, but I don't know what to talk about, what to say, what would make the other person like me more, so I typically end up just not speaking at all. On the other hand I hear people say that you should just be yourself and people will come to like you, but when I feel that tiny bit of confidence to 'be myself', I am not myself. I feel like a forced impersonation of myself, like I'm showing off my 'Alex' impression.

And I don't know why, I don't know why I can't just be me. I like me, I think I'm funny, I think I'm cool and interesting and I have good stories. But only my friends and family know that natural me, and even then I'm more comfortable with my sister than any other human being on the planet, more than my parents, more than my best friends. The thing is though that natural me makes my sister laugh, slightly less natural me makes my family laugh and finally,mostly natural me makes my friends laugh. But if I like natural me, and I know that the people close to me like that true version of myself I should just be that. But once again I can never be that with people I only sorta know, I feel like some dude showing off his shitty like Patrick Warburton impression.

Yesterday a friend of my friend came over to visit from my hometown (this friend is a close friend I went to high school with, I've met the other guy a few times before.) and I felt mostly cool. They smoked A LOT of weed and it smelled very strong. I watched the smoke enter my nose and tried to not freak out over it. I sorta did but the whole time a part of my mind was freaking out. Idk if I've said this before but I'm scared of drugs, I'm scared of anesthesia, I'm scared of things that make me feel different. Substances I guess is the best name for it. I'm scared of not feeling myself as I am very attached to my mind, it is very nervous and scared but it's me; I like being with me 24/7. If that inside mind becomes different than the one I'm used to, I'm scared it won't be me anymore, and I'm scared I'll do things that don't keep me safe and secure. I'm also scared of not being able to stop an experience, of not being able to quit out of something I don't like at anytime whenever I want. I'm scared I'll get scared and I won't be able to get out of my own scary situation.

If there's one thing I would love to feel someday, it's to feel comfortable. To not have a worrying thought in my mind, to not feel stupid or scared or both. I imagine it'd feel great and I feel jealous of others that seem to be comfortable and secure. But I guess that's the thing, they just seem that way, I have no idea if they do feel that nice, they could be more scared than I am. But I know that a lot of people do normally feel good and that sounds cool. I don't think I have depression or anything severe like that, I actually think I'm a positive and optimistic person most of the time. I don't think I lack dopamine, I don't think my brain is that different from others but I also don't know how it feels to be someone else. I know for a fact that there is not one single person out there that feels just nothing but good, but I also know that its a spectrum and there are others that feel good more often than I do, and bad more often than I do.

I don't know if anyone's reading this, and I doubt anyone ever will to be honest. This is a long and mopey journal entry without a doubt but I don't feel ashamed to be mopey about my life right now. I have these feelings and that's it y'know? I'm not stupid for feeling this way (although I tell myself that all the time after I freak out over something most others wouldn't think about), cause the brain is very complex and it's fine to have bad thoughts. I mean I have good thoughts very often as well, why wouldn't that mean I have bad thoughts sometimes too?

Okay okay, one last thing. Idk if this is normal and again, I doubt anyone's reading this but like has anyone else ever thought about what their own funeral would be like? As a younger teenager I'd think about it from time to time. Not in a "I hate my life" way, more of a "I wonder how deeply people care about me" way. Like, I'd think about being a bird or a ghost and what people would say about me. If they'd say great things about how much they liked me. Honestly looking back on it I don't think that's a normal thought to have. I think it's weird and manipulative in a way. Nobody will ever fully know they other people perceive them and that's normal. Ig I just wanted to know how much I was valued and liked, it's a weird ass thought for sure.

Ok that's it. No more weird stuff, no more sad existential stuff, no more. It feels nice to write it down though, I can see why others do it. But if a person I knew in real life knew, I'd never leave my room again dawg. I'll write about positive stuff next time once I feel more balanced. I don't feel very good right now and my head's killing me maybe that's why I wrote so much weird stuff. Bye :) :)

I don't write here much but I'm writing now.
Kinda embarrassing reading the previous entry may delete it tbh like get over yourself buddy. Oh well guess I was feeling sad or something when I could've been feeling joyous instead, what a waste. So the summer has been going pretty good! In May my family and I took a trip to London and Scotland for like 2 and a half weeks. I loved it, it was great, felt kinda cold but better than Texas, and it was beautiful most of the time. Also I'm a London Bridge hater, the Tower Bridge is the goat, the London Bridge is just a regular ass bridge. London felt sorta weird because it was so, so similar to the U.S but just different. We went to a city named Bath bc the Roman Baths are in it and honestly the city was so much cooler than the baths like idk they're just baths but maybe I'm uncultured. I ate incredible food like every day (uk food is pretty good if you only eat at non english restaurants haha) and really enjoyed all the walking we did. Like if I lived in London I'd just frolic every day bro there's always stuff to see imo. I understand that to them it's whatever caused they're used to it but if I want to go outside and see something within walking distance at home my choices are... neighborhood park or... Walgreens. Not a great selection.

Scotland was great too, we stayed in the city my dad was born in, Edinburgh, for like a week and it was very cool. It was weird to see all these family members I've never met and most of them I'd never even heard of but everyone was cool and nice. Bit hard to understand though. We went to a pretty small area named Oban to meet with a friend of my dad and christ dude, Scotland is fucking cold. The wind from the coast had me shivering as soon as we stepped outside dude, amazing fish though so thats a positive of being right next to the sea.

Anyways moving past the UK, 4th of July was really fun! Ate dinner with my family then went to my friend's house for swimming, then out to a park for fireworks, got stuck in traffic and almost crashed, then back to his house for more swimming. Overall fun night and walking home afterwards felt very peaceful since it was so quiet outside. Just the humming of AC units and wind blowing through the trees.
I feel like I should be drawing more and so recently I've been trying to use my Cintiq more but nearly everytime I try to use it I end up putting it back up 4 hours later with nothing to show for it but frustration and a shitty drawing. I think I'm getting close to just getting digital art but it's hard man. I joined Artfight BY THE WAY IF YOU WANT TO SEE MY ACCOUNT HERE IT IS: AF ACCOUNT this year with a half baked oc I made like 2 days before it started cause I'm not really the oc making kinda artist you know? I just draw idk, everytime I try to make a character I feel hella cheesy and lame, oh well maybe I'll make some more though. Also... I wish I had friends that also liked to draw cause I think it'd be cool to draw with someone. I don't really know a single person that likes to draw and I have drawn with my friends before but pretty much just shitty ms paint sketches.
Maybe if I joined my art class when I wanted to in HS I could've met some people, but instead for 2 years in a row my request to join Art 2 was denied cause I guess the class was so popular there was no room or something. So instead I finally got into Art 2 as a senior in a room full of sophomores that were not really my kinda people so I just silent and mysterious maxxed the whole year in that class.

One last thing in this little update, the new Elden Ring dlc came out and oh boy am I eating good. I already finished it and damn was that hard. The final boss was brutal for a while then I just kinda beat him unexpectedly (btw if you're like over level 100 take the radagon soreseal off, that damage is not worth it at all). Anyways that's pretty much it, in a month I leave for 2 days to go to one of those orientation camps for my university then after that SOAD and Deftones!!! Then right after that college begins and I am no longer a little boy but a man, a big ole man.

High School is almost over!
*this whole entry is so bad bro*
So... high school is getting pretty close to done. Next week grades are over and we graduate 2 weeks after that. I feel like both worried and relieved about it because on one hand, no more high school. On the other, uh oh I have to go to college and become my own person. Something that cushions the blow a bit is that most of my friends are going to the same college I'm going to, so that's nice at least. My parents keep telling me I'm gonna meet so many new people, that college is going to be so amazing and full of new friends, that I'll hardly ever even be in my dorm cause I'll be too busy living it up, but like I feel that they don't know just how introverted I am.
To be fair it's not like I can't speak to people, and besides my main group I have a few other 'friends' that are somewhere between acquaintances and actual friends, but the issue is I don't have a very social mindset.
Usually, I just don't speak to the people around me even if I think they're cool just because "I don't need to". Like I could if I wanted to but I don't have to, so why talk at all when I can stare into space until class is over? The thing is I don't really think this is a bad thing, it's just how I am. I'm fine with not being very social and talkative, and if somebody talks to me sure I'll keep the conversation going but if I don't know you that well then I'd rather listen to music.

Obviously I know that's like the worst way to make friends ever, and it is pretty lame to be like "pshh, y'all are losers I'm gonna listen to some metal until I can get outta here, heh", but idk it's hard to be like ok I'm going to talk to this person now. I guess I'm just afraid I'll fuck it up and be like hella awkward trying to talk to someone without knowing what to say.

For instance, back in sophomore year I had my first crush ever on a girl that sat across from me in chemistry. Also I know it's sorta odd for my 1st crush to have been in sophomore year when like all of my friends during middle school all had their own crushes and 'relationships', but idk it just never happened. I even tried to fake having crushes so if someone asked me I'd be able to say "maybe..." or "no... not at all hehehe", I'd just look at a girl and just think 'yeah that's my crush right there'. ANYWAYS, back to what I was saying earlier, this girl in chemistry was like pretty much what I'd consider my 'type' exactly (my type basically being me as a girl - shy and into music/art). Everytime I finally got the balls to like say a word to her, she always reciprocated and began to speak to me as well, and I was like "aah oh my god aah I'm talking to her yayy", but I was just always too much of a bitch to do it consistently. I always thought 'no, its okay she probably doesn't want to talk right now... nah, I'll just talk to her next class... it's alright, I'll just ask for her number next time... eh, we can talk later', and other wishy washy sentiments. Eventually, the year had ended and I did jack shit, then felt pretty meh afterwards. The thing is though that on the first day of class when she sat down in front of me, I had no thought other than 'great, I have to sit next to a stranger'. I had no plan at all to ever speak to her more than I had to, and the only reason I wanted to was that one day she sat in front of me and I felt like I was gonna explode from happiness and fear at the same time.
So, y'know, ig that's what's wrong with my thought process. I don't speak to people if I don't have to/ want to sooooo soooo bad.

Ok, next topic in this long ass entry (hope I don't sound too much of a "wah wahh i'm a loser wahhh") is prom. Prom was actually really fun! It was a lot more fun than I thought it'd be tbh, it was just a good time. I went with a big group of friends (around like 12), and we all hung out man. Don't know if you could tell based off of everything I said up there^^^, but no I didn't bring a date. Just nobody to ask, and nobody I was interested in (my brain like hates talking to people or something, idk). Thankfully though, not a single person in my group did either so I didn't really think about it like at all. No use crying over spilt milk. One of my friends got voted to be a candidate for prom king, despite not having a prom queen, and he didn't win but he still had to dance with a queen candidate. He didn't though, he just sort of nervously stood there for a sec before her boyfriend came up to dance with her and he just sat down, super red. Overall, it was fun and I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. The dinner sucked ass though and got me ill.
We went to my friends house afterwards and got up to no good muahaha. We ate ice cream and watched Mr. Beast, total badasses I know.

I got my cap and gown yesterday, it feels weird that this is all ending so soon. Thanks for reading this if you did, it makes me sound pretty lame but whateva.

Well here it is, my first entry.
I hope that I write in this semi-regularly, maybe once or twice a month idk... tbh my life is sorta boring but I like it that way. I'm graduating high school soon and both worried and excited about it. On one hand, woo no more high school and freedom and fun and all that! On the other, I'm gonna have to be alone and figure shit out myself.
I've always liked being alone and feel comfortable by myself, it isn't too often I feel lonely when alone. That only happens when I'm listening to like shoegaze or The Smashing Pumpkins at 2 in the morning thinking "waah my life sucks I wish I had a gf" and whiny stuff like that.

Anyways... in other news my dad so generously got my younger sister and I tickets for the SOAD and Deftones concert in August!!! I'm so excited, and it sorta doesn't feel real yet. I get to see my grandparents and aunt in California that we left when we moved to TX like 9 years ago so that's awesome. What I'm not excited for is being swarmed by smelly, sweaty dudes smoking their pot and vapes and blowing the smoke in my face. That shit is so annoying and it honestly takes me out of the concert (just my luck it's happened every concert I've been to). I know that I can't control it, and obviously dudes are gonna smoke weed at a concert but like damn son, are you that addicted to your vape you have to take a hit every other minute? Just do it once and watch the damn show!