General Blog

Here is where I'll write entries about my life in general.
I've never been one to journal stuff down I usually just think about it in the shower, so this is new for me. Just click an entry and read a while if you want, I'm not the boss of you!

Prom and Graduation 4/24/24

High School is almost over!
So... high school is getting pretty close to done. Next week grades are over and we graduate 2 weeks after that. I feel like both worried and relieved about it because on one hand, no more high school. On the other, uh oh I have to go to college and become my own person. Something that cushions the blow a bit is that most of my friends are going to the same college I'm going to, so that's nice at least. My parents keep telling me I'm gonna meet so many new people, that college is going to be so amazing and full of new friends, that I'll hardly ever even be in my dorm cause I'll be too busy living it up, but like I feel that they don't know just how introverted I am.
To be fair it's not like I can't speak to people, and besides my main group I have a few other 'friends' that are somewhere between acquaintances and actual friends, but the issue is I don't have a very social mindset.
Usually, I just don't speak to the people around me even if I think they're cool just because "I don't need to". Like I could if I wanted to but I don't have to, so why talk at all when I can stare into space until class is over? The thing is I don't really think this is a bad thing, it's just how I am. I'm fine with not being very social and talkative, and if somebody talks to me sure I'll keep the conversation going but if I don't know you that well then I'd rather listen to music.

Obviously I know that's like the worst way to make friends ever, and it is pretty lame to be like "pshh, y'all are losers I'm gonna listen to some metal until I can get outta here, heh", but idk it's hard to be like ok I'm going to talk to this person now. I guess I'm just afraid I'll fuck it up and be like hella awkward trying to talk to someone without knowing what to say.

For instance, back in sophomore year I had my first crush ever on a girl that sat across from me in chemistry. Also I know it's sorta odd for my 1st crush to have been in sophomore year when like all of my friends during middle school all had their own crushes and 'relationships', but idk it just never happened. I even tried to fake having crushes so if someone asked me I'd be able to say "maybe..." or "no... not at all hehehe", I'd just look at a girl and just think 'yeah that's my crush right there'. ANYWAYS, back to what I was saying earlier, this girl in chemistry was like pretty much what I'd consider my 'type' exactly (my type basically being me as a girl - shy and into music/art). Everytime I finally got the balls to like say a word to her, she always reciprocated and began to speak to me as well, and I was like "aah oh my god aah I'm talking to her yayy", but I was just always too much of a bitch to do it consistently. I always thought 'no, its okay she probably doesn't want to talk right now... nah, I'll just talk to her next class... it's alright, I'll just ask for her number next time... eh, we can talk later', and other wishy washy sentiments. Eventually, the year had ended and I did jack shit, then felt pretty meh afterwards. The thing is though that on the first day of class when she sat down in front of me, I had no thought other than 'great, I have to sit next to a stranger'. I had no plan at all to ever speak to her more than I had to, and the only reason I wanted to was that one day she sat in front of me and I felt like I was gonna explode from happiness and fear at the same time.
So, y'know, ig that's what's wrong with my thought process. I don't speak to people if I don't have to/ want to sooooo soooo bad.

Ok, next topic in this long ass entry (hope I don't sound too much of a "wah wahh i'm a loser wahhh") is prom. Prom was actually really fun! It was a lot more fun than I thought it'd be tbh, it was just a good time. I went with a big group of friends (around like 12), and we all hung out man. Don't know if you could tell based off of everything I said up there^^^, but no I didn't bring a date. Just nobody to ask, and nobody I was interested in (my brain like hates talking to people or something, idk). Thankfully though, not a single person in my group did either so I didn't really think about it like at all. No use crying over spilt milk. One of my friends got voted to be a candidate for prom king, despite not having a prom queen, and he didn't win but he still had to dance with a queen candidate. He didn't though, he just sort of nervously stood there for a sec before her boyfriend came up to dance with her and he just sat down, super red. Overall, it was fun and I enjoyed it a lot more than I thought I would. The dinner sucked ass though and got me ill.
We went to my friends house afterwards and got up to no good muahaha. We ate ice cream and watched Mr. Beast, total badasses I know.

I got my cap and gown yesterday, it feels weird that this is all ending so soon. Thanks for reading this if you did, it makes me sound pretty lame but whateva.

First Entry! 4/10/24

Well here it is, my first entry.
I hope that I write in this semi-regularly, maybe once or twice a month idk... tbh my life is sorta boring but I like it that way. I'm graduating high school soon and both worried and excited about it. On one hand, woo no more high school and freedom and fun and all that! On the other, I'm gonna have to be alone and figure shit out myself.
I've always liked being alone and feel comfortable by myself, it isn't too often I feel lonely when alone. That only happens when I'm listening to like shoegaze or The Smashing Pumpkins at 2 in the morning thinking "waah my life sucks I wish I had a gf" and whiny stuff like that.

Anyways... in other news my dad so generously got my younger sister and I tickets for the SOAD and Deftones concert in August!!! I'm so excited, and it sorta doesn't feel real yet. I get to see my grandparents and aunt in California that we left when we moved to TX like 9 years ago so that's awesome. What I'm not excited for is being swarmed by smelly, sweaty dudes smoking their pot and vapes and blowing the smoke in my face. That shit is so annoying and it honestly takes me out of the concert (just my luck it's happened every concert I've been to). I know that I can't control it, and obviously dudes are gonna smoke weed at a concert but like damn son, are you that addicted to your vape you have to take a hit every other minute? Just do it once and watch the damn show!